Wednesday, August 19, 2009

It's Official: Brett Favre is a Dick

Brett Favre has only been a Viking for two days, but already, he's a dick. Truth be told, Favre may have been born a dick, or he may have become one the day he signed with the Jets, but I've only considered him a dick for about 24 hours now. It seems harsh, but if you think about it, it's fitting. I mean, he will be putting on a purple helmet every day. But it's not just me, a broken-hearted Packers fan, saying that Favre is a dick. No, as I said, it's official:

Brett Lorenzo Favre (born on October 10, 1969, in Gulfport, Mississippi, US) is an American football player who was the starting quarterback for the Green Bay Packers of the National Football League (NFL) from 1992 to 2007. He is also a crying 15-year-old girl, drug user, and a dick.

Since Johnny Unitas, he is the only NFL player to have won the league MVP 3 times. He is also the only player to have pretend-retired from professional sports 37 times.

While many people believe that crying does not belong in sports, Favre does not belong to this camp. He will readily cry at the end of every game. In this respect, Favre is like a 15-year-old girl who just got her braces off and ends every night sobbing over jewelry.

Favre is also the only remaining NFL player who was also very good in Tecmo Super Bowl II.

None of this is news to Packers fans, except maybe the bit about him being the only player left in the NFL who was good on Tecmo Super Bowl II. And really, that's only news to those fans who aren't old enough to know what Tecmo Super Bowl II is. Of course, those who are old enough to remember know that Favre was only good on that game because he was throwing the ball to Sterling Sharpe.

But what does Favre's being a dick mean for his new team? Is there room for one more dick on the Vikings' roster? Coach Brad Childress must be confident there is, or he would have cut Jared Allen. But he'd better be sure that he can handle so many dicks, because this is the Vikings and we all know what can happen when there are too many dicks on the Vikings roster. Just ask Daunte "Dick with two A's" Culpepper:

This complaint was sent to then Vikings' head coach Mike Tice in January of 2006 and it spells out exactly what can happen if too many dicks engorge the Viking's roster:

It reads, in part: On October 6, 2005, two charter boats were chatered from Al and Alma's Charter Service ... The Parties arranging for the charter boats were Fred Smoot and Lance Johnstone ... After the boats left the dock, the crew started to notice that many of the female passengers were going down into the lower restroom area and changing out of the clothes that they had been wearing when they got on the boat and were emerging either scantly clad or nearly naked. The crew members ... reported that while they were cruising Lake Minnetonka, they observed a great deal of what they considered to be inappropriate sexual behavior.

... An employee of Al and Alma's Charter Boats, observed Dante Rachard Culpepper ... getting a "lap dance" from an unidentified, naked female.

Charge : Indecent Conduct - Open or Gross Lewdness

Charge : Disorderly Conduct

Charge : Lewd or Lascivious Conduct

Despite his team's lewd or lascivious past, Brad Childress should be able to keep his dicks in the Vikings organization's proverbial varyags. After all, the 2009 Vikings only have Favre and Jared Allen, but the 2005 Vikings employed Daunte Rachard Culpepper, Fred Smoot, Lance Johnstone and Darren Sharper. Just imagine what would have happened if Randy Moss hadn't been shipped off to the Raiders that year. Nonetheless, Childress is going out of his way to avoid the mistakes Mike Tice made.

He's already gotten rid of Darren Sharper but, not wanting to leave anything to chance on or off the field, Childress has instructed the Vikings' equipment staff to prepare more protective sideline jackets for away games. The Vikings face not only NFC North foes Green Bay and Chicago on the road, but they also have outdoor games against Seattle and Pittsburgh as well. Knowing his team will be up against elements that are sometimes kept out of the Metrodumb, such as rain, wind, and cold, Childress wants his players protected from head to toe. In fact, just today, wanting Favre's input, Chilly had him try on one of the new latex-based "Sideline Slickers".

(The Vikings chose Trojan instead of Reebok this year to produce their official sideline jackets)

It looks to me like a pretty good way to protect a dick from the weather, not to mention anything one might encounter on a sex boat cruise on Lake Minnetonka. Now, of course, Chilly's challenge is to get the Vikings to stop playing football like a bunch of pussies.

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